Life is Lettuce
by The Psychotic House-Elf
Summary: Shining examples of literary genius abound as Harry & friends do some stuff, and some other stuff, and some other stuff, and then some stuff happens, and some people do some stuff. And then Snape cuts his head off with a chainsaw, everybody is Luna, Oliver Wood plays Slayer out his mouth, and some other stuff... whatever.
1. Snape Commits Suicide With a Chainsaw

**Severus Snape Cuts His Own Head Off With a Chainsaw**

Severus Snape was very sad.

He was sad because of how he coldly sold out Lily Evans to the Dark Lord a long time ago and now even making Potter dress up like a girl and then Obliviating him after he was finished committing underage sodomy wasn't doing him much good.

So naturally Snape started drinking a lot. He sat around in his office in the colon of Hogwarts wearing a wifebeater and drank lots and lots and lots of alcohol. And he cried a lot. Like a bitch. Because he was a bitch with greasy hair and a jew nose. Also he ate a lot of bon bons and started gaining weight, and people laughed at him. That made him cry more, which made him a fat bitch.

One night after rectally raping Potter, the fat greasy cockroach man got super drunk and passed out on the floor of his dungeon. He woke up hours later in a pile of japanese schoolgirl panties and vomit and realized his life was worthless. After putting on his clothes again, Snape went up to Dumbledore's office and had gay sex with him for 4 hours.

When they were done, he said, "I quit," and left.

Then Snape realized he was being stupid so he went back and said, "I unquit," and left again because he realized quitting was a gay idea. If he quit, he wouldn't have money to get drunk anymore. Secretly Snape was drunk all the time, even in class. You just couldn't tell because of all the smelly hair grease.

Back in his office Snape started drinking again. He got super-duper drunk and yelled at the wall about Potter for a while. Then he yelled at the desk about Potter. Then he yelled at some pickled goat penises about Potter. By then you could barely see the floor under all the liquor bottles. There was literally a sea of empty bottles and Snape kept tripping on them and skidding around like he was on roller skates.

Suddenly he slipped on some bottles, did 5 backflips, and landed on his head with a really loud crack. It gave him a traumatic brain injury but he was too damn drunk to notice.

When he got up, Snape had an idea. He decided to cut his head off with a chainsaw. It was the best idea ever.

Sapiens threw some Floo powder into the fireplace or apparated or something and went to a muggle Wal*Mart™. He went up to the guy in the garden tools section and said, "Give me a chainsaw so I can cut my head off or I'll use magic to pull your intestines out through your nipples, you ignorant dunderhead."

So the scared Wal*Mart™ gardening tools guy handed Snape a huge chainsaw and said, "That will be $3.99," because Wal*Mart™ has hella cheap shit and American money is best money. But Snape did not want to pay for his new chainsaw so he walked out of the muggle Wal*Mart™ without paying.

Back in his office, Snape sat down and drank some more while wearing his wifebeater. He pondered his shitty life, threw a jar of pickled cockroaches at the wall, blamed Potter, and cried like the bitch he was. Then he got out the chainsaw and put some gasoline in it (fuck you British people it's gasoline not petrol).

He stared at the huge bladed teeth of death. The chainsaw stared back even though it didn't have any eyes. Memories of his visits to Lily's grave with a shovel and some condoms came back to Snape. He sobbed some more because he was a greasy bitch man.

With a huge roar Snape started the chainsaw. He tested it by sawing his desk in half. The wood was no match for the sharp steel. After blinking and waving the sawdust out of his face and sneezing a lot, Snape took off all his clothes except his Victoria's Secret bra and set to work on the real deal.

"FIRST," he howled, revving the chainsaw like a motherfucker, "I SHALL CUT OFF MY GENITALS!"

And so he sliced the chainsaw down across his groin, severing his penis and testicles in one extremely painful motion. Blood spurted out of the new hole as he screamed in agony. Yellow joined the red a split second later as he lost control of his bladder, and then a horrible smell filled the room as the pain caused Snape to shit himself.

Still not satisfied, Snape carved upward from between his legs. When he took the saw out of his body there was a gash like 6 inches or something long from his groin to his belly button that went all the way through. He plunged the chainsaw into the new gash again and started moving it around wildly until all his guts started steaming out onto the floor. It was a real live chainsaw gutsfuck. Jeffrey Dahmer would have been masturbating furiously.

At last he was ready to do the deed. Snape raised the chainsaw to neck level.

"I LOVE YOU, LILY!" he shrieked. While he said this his stomach fell out. "I'M SORRY FOR SELLING YOU TO THE DARK LORD IN THE HOPE OF GETTING YOU AS A MINDLESS SEX SLAVE WHEN THE WAR WAS OVER! WHEN I'M DEAD I HOPE I GO TO HELL FOR WHAT I DID TO YOU! I DON'T DESERVE YOU!"

Blood spattered the walls as Snape drove the chainsaw slowly through his own neck. His scream was quickly reduced to a gurgle, and then to nothing. Soon his body was just moving out of reflex, performing the last command it had been given, since he had already sawed through his spinal cord. Snape convulsed a little before falling down just as his severed head rolled off his neck and wedged between the two halves of his destroyed desk.

Severedheadus Snape's vision began to darken. The last thing he saw was the door opening and Lily Evans entering, saying she was actually not dead and it had all been a mistake. Then he heard a deep, demonic voice say, "WELCOME TO HELL!" and smelled sulfur and burning flesh. And that was the end of Severus Snape.

James was actually alive too, and he and Harry and Sirius used Snape's head for Quidditch practice later on.

The end.


	2. Wherein Dolohov is Very Stupid

**Dolohov is Very Stupid and Mulciber Becomes a Seal**

Once upon a time (actually somewhere between 1970 and 1997), there lived a man by the name of Antonin B. Dolohov. Dolohov was a complete badass who frequently ate at Indian restaurants, which made him universally loathed by the Lupin family since all Lupins hated Indian food by default and there was just nothing to be done about it. Oh and also he killed Remus Lupin's parents while he was high on methamphetamine or something, but if you want to know about that you should check the official court records.

Mr. Dolohov was a smartly dressed man overall: he wore his Death Eater robes and mask all the time because he was kinda sorta the kind of guy who, were he a Muggle, might strap a lot of military-grade Muggle explosives to his chest and go forth for his 72 virgins. Except he wasn't a Muggle and he hated Muggles, and liked to torture countless masses of them, as well as non-supporters of the Dark Lord. Let it not be said that Bellatrix Lestrange was the only person with a Voldemort fetish.

On one particularly gay day in May, Dolohov happened to come upon a completely random Pakistani man on a tractor. Being a Pureblood, he scratched his head and wondered if the Muggle had managed to domesticate a small dragon. Dolohov decided to take the Pakistani back to the Dark Lord to use as a dragon handler, since he apparently had a gift for it.

"What is this Muggle doing in my throne room, Dolohov?" Voldemort asked coldly, eyeing the Pakistani with his scarlet, slightly bloodshot, not that you would notice it (he had been drinking the night before... being a Dark Lord was hard on the nerves) eyes.

"This Muggle is able to control dragons, My Lord," said Dolohov. "He would be a great asset to our Dark Army."

Dolohov and Mulciber took the Muggle down to the dungeons.

"You will work for us," Dolohov informed him. "Or we will kill you."

The Pakistani spouted something in his native language, since he was scared and when foreigners get scared they always forget how to speak English.

"What?" said Mulciber. "What the fuck's he saying, Dolohov?"

"I don't know."

"Well, know!"

They tried casting translation charms on the Pakistani, but unfortunately the uranium hidden in the man's turban fucked with the spell and turned Mulciber into a seal instead.

"ARUGH ARUGH ARUGH!" barked Mulciber. Dolohov tried to turn him back, but sadly the accidental Transfiguration was permanent.

To avoid having to write up a report for the Death Eater IAB, which was Avery and therefore not very stable, Dolohov just killed Mulciber and force-fed the whole body to the Pakistani, who died from a burst stomach.

"I am sorry to bother you, My Lord," he said to Voldemort five minutes later, "but Mulciber just turned into Harry Potter, killed the Pakistani by force-feeding him a seal, and danced out of the dungeon naked while I shot Killing Curses at him."

"CRUCIO HARRY POTTER IS MINE HOW DARE YOU SHOOT KILLING CURSES AT HIM I WILL TURN YOU INSIDE OUT CRUCIO CRUCIO CRUCIO SOMEONE FIND WORMTAIL SO I CAN CRUCIO HIM AS WELL CRUCIO!"

Dolohov lay in a mess of drool and misery and contemplated how he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids, or something. As he did, Gamma danced naked through the room in anticipation of a threesome with Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy.

THE END


	3. That Scene in DH Where HP Murders RW&HG

_I wrote this on skype in like 3 minutes so fuck you if you think it's inferior to anything ever my writing is best writing and your opinion is no opinion you worthless nightcrawler_

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Once upon a time Harry Potter was stupid enough to wear an enchanted horcrux locket around his neck. He drove away his stupid retarded friend Ron Weasley and failed miserably at seducing his other friend Hermione Granger. But then Ron came back because he is dense as fuck.

Unfortunately, Ron came back right when the horcrux took over Harry and made him go insane and kill people. Like Ron.

"AHGHHGHGHGH!" screamed Harry like a maniac. He dove into the water, seized the sword at the bottom, swam back up, and ran at Ron while still screaming like a psychopath and waving the sword around above his head.

"OH SHIT!" Ron sobbed, knowing his time had come.

Harry chopped his best friend's head off with the Sword of Gryffindor. Blood spurted everywhere as Ron's headless body walked around in circles, proving that Ron actually is stupider than a chicken. The Boy-Who-Lived took the severed head and bashed it against the nearest rock until it broke open, then consumed Ron's brains while masturbating and grunting animalistically.

Exactly three hours later, Hermione found Harry in a pile of Ron body parts and semen, naked and gnawing on a leg. He had castrated himself.

"Oh my god Harry what happened!" Hermione screamed.

When he noticed Hermione, Harry let out a roar and bounded toward her. The witch was too shocked to actually do anything, so she got knocked over. When she woke up, Harry had tied her to a tree and stripped her naked, in that order. He then proceeded to ram the Sword of Gryffindor up her vagina, and then he rammed one of Ron's arms up her ass. Then Harry James Potter split open his other best friend and had hot sweaty sex with her liver.

Then Voldemort showed up and they fucked forever the end.


	4. Harry Dies a Miserable Death

**Harry Dies a Miserable Death  
**

"Freak!" the obese moustached man bellowed. He brought his foot down again, and with an awful crunching sound, crushed some new part of the seven-year-old boy on the floor in front of him - it was impossible to tell which one, really, as Harry was a mess of broken bones and blood.

It was not an unusual occurrance in the Dursley household, Harry being beaten like this; he was, after all, a freak, and therefore deserved each and every blow, and he knew it. Still, he couldn't keep from crying out and sobbing each time Vernon hit him and kicked him and threw him against the wall.

"Your parents, the worthless drunks - they died because they couldn't stand you!" roared Vernon, and he kicked Harry as hard as he could in the head. "No one wants you, boy! Your parents were as worthless as you are, and you deserve to die like they did! You should be grateful I don't kill you! You deserve it -"

In truth, Harry didn't believe that, about his parents being worthless. Not really. He thought his parents seemed like good people if the Dursleys hated them so much. Harry himself may have been a terrible person, but he was sure his parents were the best people ever if they had put up with him for a year and not complained in the slightest. He didn't even think they were really drunks. Something just told him they weren't.

As Vernon smashed his liquor bottle over Harry's head, Harry wondered, in the haze that was slowly filling his mind, what his parents would say if they ever met him. If he died and went to heaven instead of hell where he belonged. He imagined maybe they might put up with him anyway because they were so loving - surely there had to be something better than living with the Dursleys. Maybe if he died and went to heaven (if he went to heaven) his parents would love him.

Yes, that would be so very nice...

He was starting to get very tired, but he wasn't really possessed of enough awareness to fully comprehend the significance of it anymore - not that, at seven years, he could truly have understood what was happening to his body. All Harry knew was that he ached and he wanted to go be with his parents - he wanted to die. Yes, that was it.

He wanted to die.

Somewhere outside the shrinking sphere of thought, Vernon stomped on his face, breaking his nose. Harry didn't feel it. Not really. He was too far gone.

'I'm going to meet my parents someday,' he thought to himself, and inside he smiled hopefully.

But, when Harry let his very heavy eyelids fall shut a moment later, and when he let his thoughts stop forming a moment after that, and when his heart finally stopped beating - he did not get to see his parents. They were not standing there, smiling at him, when he passed over; there was no comforting embrace when the pain ended. Harry Potter never saw his parents again.

He died broken and bloody on the floor, murdered by his drunken uncle, who had spent the last six years beating and raping him, and that was the end of it - because there was nothing on the other side of the veil.

Nothing at all.


	5. I do Voldemort's job for him

**I do Voldemort's job for him.**

At exactly 11:58 PM on the night before Halloween I show up outside the Potters' cottage in Godric's Hollow. I am wearing black jeans, a black hoody, a ski mask, and leather gloves, and I am carrying a backpack. The reason I am not wearing an epic futuristic badass United States SEAL Marine Black Ops outfit with night vision and a built in toilet is because I am ghetto and I don't have any money. In fact I stole all this stuff too.

Anyway, I jump the hedge and creep up to the front window so I can be a peeping tom. I spy with my little eye THREE MAGICAL PERSONS. One of them is James Potter. One of them is Lily Potter (hawt). One of them is Harry Potter, who is small and chubby and annoyingly cute and I hate it.

I unsling my Russian-made AK-74 (yes you read that correctly) assault rifle and load a 30 round magazine into it. Then I shoot the lock off the door on full auto, wasting half the magazine, and kick the door in with my steel toed boot.

"Lily!" James Potter yells. "Take Harry and g- Who the fuck are you?"

"I is The Psychotic House-Elf, bitch!" I exclaim in a passible imitation of house-elf lingo. Then I kneecap him in both legs with the AK-74 because in this universe I am a highly trained ex-military drug mob enforcer with perfect aim instead of an AIDS-ridden closet homosexual Washington lawyer played by Al Pacino.

While James Potter howls in agony (I may have kicked his blown-out knees a few times on the way past, lol), I go upstairs and shoot open the nursery.

"HANDS UP, BITCH!" I bellow after kicking in the door.

Lily Potter is smart enough to put her hands up when I point the AK-74 at the crib. Then I start laughing at her, holding the rifle precariously with one hand while I fish another magazine out of my bag.

After speed-reloading, I cackle, "The mag was empty, stupid."

Then I kneecap her, too. And break her hands. And her arms. And her nose, just for the hell of it.

Laughing like a maniac, I go down and drag James Potter upstairs by his shredded legs. One of them falls off on the way up, but in the end it works out pretty good. I throw him and Lily Potter into the corner of the room and tie them together with rope.

I take out some Satanic ritual supplies I bought at Wal*Mart and draw a big pentagram in the middle of the nursery after kicking all the boxes and shit out of the way. Babby Harry is crying so I tell him to shut the fuck up or I'll cut him. Surprisingly, he shuts up. Satisfied, I place black candles around the room and light them.

"What are you doing with Harry?" the Potters demand as I pick him up out of his crib and place him in the center of the pentagram.

"Wouldn't you like to know. Actually, you will in about... 5 seconds."

After saying this I unsheath my awesome Satanic ritual knife, which was given to me personally by Beelzebub. I strip Babby Harry naked, draw some Satanic symbols on his body with charcoal, and begin to chant over the Potters' screaming and struggling:

"EGO EXCLAMO MAGISTER SATANAS AD INDICO LUCTUS SUPER OMNES MUNDI HOC MUNDO EST A VERMIS EGO IN PISCIS UNCUS EGO RAPTUS TUUM AVIAE TURPIS STUPRI MORTUUS! ARANEA HOMO CANCER! PISTRINUM DOMO EST CANCER! MANNIS SUNT CANCER! AVE SATANAS! SUMUS NIGRI LEGIONES ET VOLUNTATE APSORBEO NOSTER GALLUS VOBIS IUDAEUS!"*

After saying the unholy words I plunge the knife into Babby Harry's tiny, innocent body and begin to carve him open, careful to avoid any vital organs so he suffers as long as possible (because I'm a psychopathic sadist hehe). He screams and vomits blood and is generally very funny, and the Potters are almost as funny with their pleading for me to kill them instead, as if it would actually help (he's going to die no matter what; it'll just take a fucking long time).

At last I reach into Babby Harry and grab a handful of his viscara. I then stuff the miniature intestines/liver/kidney/whatever the fuck that is into my mouth and begin chewing. It's all delicious. I crave more of it. I need it. I lift Babby Harry up to my mouth an take a huge bite out of his stomach, savoring the succulent taste of dying babby. His sreams grow weaker and weaker until at last I simply rip out his babby lungs and eat them along with his still-beating heart.

The pentagram glows as his blood touches it.

The Potters are practically catatonic by the time the ritual is finished. I consider torturing them, but Dumbledore will probably be here soon so I had better leave. Instead I shoot them both in the head like worthless dogs and walk out of the nursery whistling the Andy Griffith theme.

Dumbledore is waiting downstairs, to my horror. But my horror turns to lulz as I remember that I don't care about anything at all.

"You are not Tom," he says, confused. Then I shoot him in the head and he dies. I step in his brains and make brainy footprints around the sitting room, laughing merrily.

When I go outside, Snape is skulking around in the bushes. I shoot him too, but only in the testicles because lol.

Then I run into You-Know-Who and I stab him in the head and he dies but he has horcruxes so he comes back in like 10 years but I don't give a shit and I cheer him on from the safety of Brazil.

Anyway, after I get home that night, I have 50000 sex with my girlfriend and post this story because it's awesome.

* * *

*I CALL UPON MY MASTER SATAN TO INFLICT MISERY UPON ALL THE WORLD FOR THIS WORLD IS A MAGGOT I PUT ON A FISHHOOK WHILE I RAPE YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S DIRTY FUCKING CORPSE! SPIDERMAN IS CANCER! MILLHOUSE IS CANCER! PONIES ARE CANCER! HAIL SATAN! WE ARE THE BLACK LEGIONS AND YOU WILL SUCK OUR COCK YOU (AL SHARPTON DOES NOT APPROVE)!


	6. Life is Lettuce

**Life is Lettuce**

Hermione was looking around the library one night when she found a book. It had a big sticker on it that said "DO NOT READ THIS; IT HAS BAD THINGS IN IT". Being the annoyingly nosy bookworm bitch that she is/was/whatever the tense is/was, she took the book and read it right then and there. It turned out to be a horcrux made by the evil wizard Jasper, whose sexyness and awesome is/are unparalleled in any dimension or time. The horcrux then possessed her to bring it to Oliver Wood. Then it possessed Oliver Wood because he has a sexy unibrow and made him kill Hermione with a broomstick cleaning kit.

The possessed Oliver Wood went into Hogwarts and killed Millicent Bullstrode because Jasper doesn't like ugly fat people very much. He also shot Umbridge with an umbrella because they both start/started with the letter U.

So Oliver Wood went up the Gryffindor stairs to fetch a pail of water. Dean and Parvarti ran into him after having hot wild sex in the closet. Also Parvarti had a penis because she is/was a transsexual in secret. But Oliver Wood opened his mouth and blasted Raining Blood by Slayer out of it and it was so loud it knocked both of them down the stairs. They died of broken necks because they are/were minorities and der fuhrer does not/did not before he blew his mustached brains out in a bunker in Berlin approve of minorities.

Anyway, then Oliver Wood killed everybody else at Hogwarts except Colin Creevy, whom he turned into a head of lettuce. Oliver Wood then ate the head of lettuce that used to be Colin Creevey. It turned back into Colin Creevey's body parts in his stomach and made him explode. That made Jasper become real and he went and resurrected his beta-reader/frequent sex partner who is/was currently asleep at this/that moment and wasn't/isn't dead and then they fucked forever the end.

Also Harry got sent to the rainbow factory because he is/was clearly gay and gay people like rainbows. Sadly he didn't fit into the grinder so I came in with a meat cleaver and chopped him into pieces while he was still alive to help out. Then I killed every brony ever because bronies are gigantic faggots and I like killing people because I'm a fucking evil psychopath. Dumbleore gave me an award while I ate Voldemort's brains because he is secretly Princess Molestia.

Then we fucked forever the end.


	7. Everybody is Luna

**Everybody is Luna**

"No," said Harry angrily and randomly.

"I'm sorry. What?" Ron and Hermione had no idea what the fuck Harry was talking about. They were sitting with him, Luna, Neville, and Ginny in a compartment on the Hogwarts Espresso together, even though it was the middle of August.

"Shut up! You have no idea what it's like to be me!"

"No one has any idea what it's like to be another person," said Luna, "unless we use Polyjuice, in which case we actually do. And that means I do know what it's like to be everyone at Hogwarts, since I've impersonated all of them at one time or another."

Harry disregarded this statement because he was too busy being a bitch to think about how useful it was to have someone on his side who could impersonate anyone at all without getting caught and had an apparently infinite supply of Polyjuice.

"Sirius and Cedric died and it's all my fault!" Harry screamed, waving his hands in the air like an idiot.

"No it's not, Harry," said Ron calmly. "It's Bellatrix Lestrange's. And, to a lesser degree, Voldemort's. You didn't do anything except disregard everyone all year and put your friends in danger repeatedly for no reason other than that you don't know how to listen to anyone else."

Harry fumed.

"You're all against me," he decided after a while. "Dumbledore must be paying you all to be my friends so he can manipulate me into being the weapon he wants! You bastards! I won't be your puppet anymore, Dumbledore! This puppet is cutting his strings! I'm going to sneak away to Gringotts and reclaim the name of Lord Potter for my own! I want my ring back!"

"There is no Lord Potter, Harry," Hermione informed him. "Your father got rid of the Potter seat in protest against a bill regarding Quidditch balls because he was a hippie douchebag who didn't give a shit about anything."

"DON'T YOU INSULT MY FATHER! I knew you were all against me! You've had me under potions, too! I know it! You bastards! You won't get away with this, Dumbledore! I'll be my own man now!" Harry threw some stuff at the walls before continuing. "He's been limiting my magic, and he told the Dursleys to abuse me, and he killed Sirius so I'd have to stay with them, and he probably had Voldemort kill my parents, and -"

"Oh for fuck's sake, enough of this shit," said Luna. She pulled out a .44 caliber revolver and shot Harry in the head, killing him instantly.

"What a waste," Ron said, shaking his head sadly.

"Not really," said Neville.

"Hmm, I suppose you're right."

All of Harry's friends turned back into Luna Lovegood and went about their daily business. At first, people were upset by the increased number of Lunas, but then it turned out that they were also Luna too. In the end it was all fine because everybody was Luna.


End file.
